So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize
