Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
