You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
pray to the hookup gods
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
