if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
