the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Randomize
