I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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