Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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