I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
