On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
