Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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