i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
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