Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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