i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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