The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Of course I have a pirate flag
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
