I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
