i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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