I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize
