I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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