her facebook's as public as her vagina
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
