i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
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