You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
