Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
