3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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