The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
