I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Randomize
