By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Randomize
