Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Randomize
