You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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