On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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