In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Too much gin, very little bucket
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Randomize
