Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
