I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Best friends brother. Beat that.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
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