Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
