I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
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