I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Randomize
