how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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