Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Randomize
