theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
