Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
