the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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