Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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