he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
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