so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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