You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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