i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
