Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
