officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
