Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
