good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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