I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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