I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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