She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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