I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I can text with my tongue
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
We had sex on a dog bed..
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
